My wellness story so far

In the light of Mental Health Awareness month, I wanted to share my mental health story.
I have followed and read a lot of the posts that have been shared over the month about this topic and I have to say that it warms my heart that so many people are finally stepping up and talking about such a taboo topic.

My mental health story started when I was around 8-9 years old. This was when I started to notice the thoughts in my head was not normal for a girl in that age. I had been bullied since I was 6 years old and over the years I was starting to be more inwards and I found it harder to find happiness in life. I still remember the first day that I get the thought that maybe this world would be better without me. I was 8 years old and after another day of classmates laughing behind my back and starting rumors were over. I was in my room and while trying not to let my parents or sister notice that something was wrong, I had this constant feeling that if I would just disappear all of their lives would just be so much easier.

This was a feeling that I was struggling with a lot over the years to come. Now you might wonder why I just didn’t talk to my parents or sisters about this. There is actually a very good reason for that. When I was in the third year of school, one of my friends’ parents notices that their daughter was making fun of because she was hanging out with me. They decided to go to the school and talk to the teacher, in an attempt to stop the bullying. After a discussion that was taking with the whole class at the same time while I and the other girl was in the room, everyone thought that the bullying would stop. It didn’t, it actually made it worse. For that day I learned that it was better just to stay quiet and not say anything to anyone as there is no point and it will only make it worse for myself.

The peak of my mental health issues was when I was around 12 years old. At this point, I was constantly thinking that there is no way out for me except ending it all. There were two things that saved me and that made me still be here today. The first thing was that I was too coward to go ahead with it. Who would thought that being a coward could save your life? The second thing was the most horrible event in my life to this day, a suicidal from a very close family friend. There is nothing that will take you back and make you think like losing someone in a horrible way. Seeing the grief that his loved ones were going through and the grief I was feeling, I realized that I would never want to put my family through that.

I know after that, that I needed to work on getting better. The bullying was still there but I needed to get past it. That was when I started to do the one thing that to this day still helps me in so many ways – I started to write. On all of my days that I had a bad day or something had happened I took the time to write it all down, get it out of my system.
Even though that my days of depression is getting less, there are still those days where all I need is the loneliness and a journal. I make sure that it’s all there and that I don’t leave anything in my head that might grow bigger and make me feel worse.

It took me many years to get to a better place and during the years I got better and better at hiding my true feelings and what was going on in my head. It took me over 10 years to come clean to my parents about what had gone on in my head during all those years. I might not have been brave enough to talk to them at the time but you can see parents love when you years later tell them and they just show you love.

I never talked to a doctor or a shrink when I was the worse depress and I would like to say that I’m self-diagnosed depressed but the fear of letting someone else know what was going on in my head was greater than me facing up to the problems.
If there is someone out there that currently is going through anything like this. I urge you to talk to someone. I might have been able to get through my demons on my own but far from everyone can do that. If I could go back in time, I would have found a way to come clean, not only to my parents but to someone who could help me.

To this day I am not completely free from depression but I have found a way to work my way around it and how I can tell when it’s coming on. Every day is a new battle but instead of seeing it was a burden that I need to carry around I see it was a reminder that everything will be alright and if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.

Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about what is going on. Remember we are all unique and no matter what people say, you are the best you.

Useful links:
Mind: https://www.mind.org.uk
Rethink: https://www.rethink.org
Young minds: https://youngminds.org.uk
Samaritans: http://www.samaritans.org
Heads together: https://www.headstogether.org.uk
 

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